Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
