How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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