So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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