Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Someone signed my nipple.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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