I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
