At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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