I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
