I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
