her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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