apparently the secret to your success is patron
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
