Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
