OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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