Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
