I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
