You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
