Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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