his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
