she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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