My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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