youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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