I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
