and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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