I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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