i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
