True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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