wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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