hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just blew my weed a kiss
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
