guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
