I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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