tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
