I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
