I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize