Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
