Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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