he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
