i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
