I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
