There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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