So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
