If i could tip my vagina, i would.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
