I need to stop coming to work sober
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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