and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
