I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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