Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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