Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
