somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
