Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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