Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We talked him into tasing himself.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
