guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize