I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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