Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
