Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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