Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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