I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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