Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I think I sprained my soul last night
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
