Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
