Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I can't turn off my feet"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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