Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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