I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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