You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
