I met the friendliest cop last night
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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