One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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