please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
