woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
