you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
